America The Beautiful by Moon Unit Zappa

Author:Moon Unit Zappa
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2001-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

Together Jasper and my father owned everything good in the world. Did I think I could provide the same things I associated with being loved by them for myself? No, I did not.

SEVENTEEN

FREE DUMB

“Tossed in to my mind stirring the calm, you splash me with beauty and pull me down cause you come from out of nowhere.”

— Faith No More

“Based on Jasper’s body type, the way his neck lurches forward and the way his shoulders kind of collapse in toward each other, I can honestly say that this relationship was doomed from the get-go,” said Karl the following Thursday.

In the photo we are sitting on a low stone wall. Jasper is wearing a pair of ripped-up jeans and a too-small crewneck olive-and-grey vintage wool sweater and Birkenstock sandals with thick orange socks. I am wearing a pink flowy dress with big red hibiscus flowers and a pale blue knit beanie my grandmother gave me. I have my arm around him. I am smiling broadly. Jasper’s eyes aren’t open all the way and he looks like he just got a whiplash brace off. It’s the best one I have of us together.

“Just looking at how skinny his calves are I can see he isn’t equipped to handle your anger and intensity. Eventually you would have left him.”

“Really?”

“All right now. Today we are going to find out where not good enough lives in your body so I want you to just breathe.” I sat up.

“Before we begin I just want to say how great it is to realize that I have merely transferred my pain onto Jasper when really it was my father who caused it all along and I’m totally willing to transfer it all onto you so we can get down to business.” I smiled. Karl looked at me with a straight face, thought better of saying anything, and silently passed me the Kleenex box.

“Why don’t we go inside and just breeeeathe. ” I closed my eyes again, folded my palms in my lap, and let out a massive sigh. “Now imagine you are on an internal jungle safari. You are walking through a dense, but lush, tropical jungle looking for where not good enough lives. You hear the crunch of leaves under your feet. You brush vines out of your way. Ooooo-wah oo-oo-wah.” He made a distant jungle monkey sound. I peeked an eye open, arched an eyebrow, saw that Karl’s eyes were closed, so I closed mine back up again. “Where is not good enough hiding? Oo-oo wah oo-oo-wah. Come out, come out wherever you are! Where does not good enough live in the body. Woo hoo! Come out of your hiding place.” I bit the inside of my cheek, thought, You can do this, Mer, just surrender . “We are gonna pull you out by your roots today, so don’t be shy!” I imagined it, all right, me wearing a pith helmet, hacking through uncharted territory with a large machete, through the tangled vines of all my

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